Op-Comic: Ketamine had a reputation as a party drug. Could it help my depression?

Illustration of a woman lying face up floating over two open palms in front of a glowing pink-orange sparkling background

(Illustrations by Lila Ash / For The Times)

By Lila Ash

Feb. 11, 2024 3:05 AM PT

I had long suffered from depression, and no treatment seemed to help. But I was wary of ketamine.

I thought of it as a party drug, and so even when a psychiatrist prescribed it, I hesitated.

I worked up the nerve to try it. At my first ketamine ceremony, I vibed out to a sound bath before the doctor gave the dose.

I was given noise-canceling headphones and an eye mask before being injected with the medicine. There was no turning back.

Five minutes after the ketamine was administered, I felt myself disintegrating. My fear and anxiety about this melted away.

As it seemed to transform my brain, concerns of my everyday life felt eons away, two-dimensional. I had separated from myself

The journey lasted three hours. A feeling of deep love — for myself, for family, for friends — supplanted my baseline sadness

When I returned to reality, I felt changed. I had seen another side of myself, and it was unburdened by my depression.

Because I hesitated to try ketamine, I suffered longer than I had to. The treatment helped me look ahead with hope.

Lila Ash is an artist and writer in Los Angeles. She is a contributor to the New Yorker and author of the graphic memoir “Decodependence: A Romantic Tragicomic.”

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